are we?

you showed me this amazing side of you

like showing someone the brightest

and most beautiful light

then you immediately took it away

like I dreamt that light

like it never happened

and I am still here

the same way you saw me

but now

I know you can hurt me..

are you saying I am no longer brilliant?

you

show me the light

and take the light away

show me the light

take the light away

you make me want

just so that I can hurt with want

makes me wonder if I even want the light

maybe it's better for me to sit in darkness

stop for a sec

listen

close your eyes and just listen for a minute

ok

in your mind tell me what you heard

the urgency of the wanting to hear

Life

Im a mass of nerves
Nervous confusion
Confused and hurt
Hurting, Im a mixed up soul
Solely longing for
For belonging inside
In the outside of myself
Selfishly wanting dreams
Dreaming of futures
Futuristic days I want
Wanting what I see
Seeing what I want to believe
Be leaving my doubts behind me
Be finding in a new life
Life's full of hope
Hopes my cupful of life

Ill Never Be Sorry

You
You are different
You are someone
Ill never be sorry about
I hear a voice
That melts all my doubt
Im not afraid
Because pure
Speaks in whispers
It doesnt have to shout

Fight the Fight

I cant function

And I cant breath

I cant stay

And I cant leave

The days melt into

The nights of tears

Afternoons of sunshine

Memories of years

All the concrete things

Turning to mush

The sly sound of doubt

In the whisper of hush

Comfort comes in

The stabbing pain

The colored hues

Born in rain

Anguish is beauty

If you see the light

Its the single star

Shining in the night

Walking in circles

That exist in life

Not to win the battle

But to fight the fight

Jane's Confession

John: If you had shared this confession with me in a coffee house it would have been different

Jane: The real rub of it is I wouldn't have told you if we were sitting in a coffee house. Your eyes on me, I would've held it in like a brave soul

John: A smile here, a nod there ... that would have been all that was needed. But here I couldn't do that.

Jane: I know I know. I mean I half wanted to stop. I wanted to get up and walk away just like I would have wanted to do midway through in the coffee house.

John: No matter how hard I try, no matter how big my thesaurus, I can never find the words to equal one smile.

Jane: I'm sorry too. I just didn't think I was opening any floodgates because I thought I was ok. I mean I'm always ok. I have to be ok. It's part of the plan.

John: Please don't misunderstand me. You are my friend. I'd really like to keep you that way. My only point is that when we strip our communication to mere words, we lack something. That doesn't mean you're less a friend. It just means you're a different kind of friend.

Jane: Believe me if someone could invent a way to take this one quality that you and I just found together and plant it into real life. We would live in a much broader world in terms of capacity for life.

John: And on further reflection, I realize how bad some of what I said, er ... typed ... came out. I didn't mean to trivialize your confession. I just meant to illustrate that it was probably easier to open up to me because of the ... distant ... nature of this thing.

Jane: I was so ready to walk away. The mere idea that I am no one when I consider you to be someone. Imagine if I were in the coffee house I would pick up the hot coffee and throw it on you laughing at the sounds of your flesh sizzling, your eyes showing the same pain you gave me.

John: I'm sorry. Be my friend?
John: Are you deliberately making me sweat out the answer to that one?
John: You are making me sweat. That's not very nice of you.

Jane: No I'm trying to find a leftover smile to give to you so that all of this seems to have been worth it. And I was waiting for you to sweat.

John: Flesh sizzling? Wow. Flesh sizzling seems kinda harsh. That sounds like 'permanent scars from third-degree espresso burns' harsh.

Jane: Maybe it's better that my tears are burning me, maybe its better that there is a distance. We'd be in bed by now doing physical acts to ride the wave of emotions.

John: One can only hope.

Jane: ok.........now I'm laughing through the tears. If you can do that then theres quite a connectioneven if it is the wave of technology laughing sinister at me.

John: Thank god! I don't think I had much strength left in me.

Jane: I hear your first words echoing back to me "I am not like anyone else you have ever met"

John: It's true, isn't it? There is no one like anyone else. If only more people would truly show their colors.

Jane: Truth be known, it doesnt matter what you look like to me. Truly it doesnt. It doesn't change anything for me. I confessed to you because you let me.

John: But it's still different. In our coffee shop, I'd have looked down at my cigarette, or shuffled my feet on the carpet. Even in real life, you can look at something and see what you want to see. It's easier here, and you never have to look away.

Dramarama

Silence invaded our

Friendship?

Love?

Lust?

Infatuation?

No wonder Im lost

And damn

theres no cliff notes

to explain

what it once was

Now that silence made death of

without even

a complete because

I only feel Ive found

The meaning of oblivion

Maybe we rode to the last

Scene of our movie

You know

The smoke filled fade

Maybe the last scene

Of every drama

Comes despite us

And nowthe sad song

Playing the

uninterested

credits rolling

And who takes credit exactly

For the last line

Do they take it

Prior to the last text

Or does someone write

Another movie to do that?

I never thought about it

Before

But a sequel

Yes..

Perhaps

A sequel to us

Another coming together

A mending of sorts

A tale told twice

The best could be

Yet to come

But waitdamn!

Yes wait

Dont we all know

The theater of pain

Cant be revisited

With a happy

Ending line

With all things

Turning into

A melancholy time

Well not..

Yes not.

If youve killed

The main character

In the first motion

Of the picture that

Never was

Mesmerized, awestruck I am enthralled

You are beautifully complicated
All of lifes haunting eradicated
A dream that needs loves final breath
The reason that I will never fear death

You are tragically hip, hip to the bone
Your silence is anger pure in perfect tone
The cloud that embraces rain in hush
An ear that strains to hear my every wish

No one with nothing, ever the same
Sharpens my wit and sucks of my pen
The simplicity of agonies shushing hope
A chance that I long to steal away in elope

Somehow louder, stronger than murderous screams
You give sweet definition to all of my lost means
Nothing would matter if my life fell away I can say
If it followed today with all of you like my yesterday

The Keys

Through it all I clung

To a blind faith

A faith I tried to capture

To name my own

I found in all the pain

A silence that

enveloped me

With peace

I thought it was

My manmade love

That pushed me to seek

to forgive and be

     wholly forgiven

and yet

When the music began again

Pouring forth beauty

Into my soul

  At the piano keys

     I saw him

                  my Lord

Someone I can feel

Unknown I know

But wait what do you know

About what I already know

Its not facts of vision

But the lack of division

That time has not dealt

Despite being victim

To the invisible feelings

I have so surely felt

I have come to share

With little or no fear

The things I most revere

And though I havent

Clues to visualize the years

They are still something

I hold carefully so near

A perfect memory

Without a rip or tear

Learn I have

Learned by whole not half

That some things come to be

Valuable more than importantly

Meaning you and I have never seen

The scene of what makes a dream

And I have not met nor do I get

The way that you matter so even yet

Go figure the facts of all of that

And Ill let you borrow my thinking hat

The cap of this cat where I have always sat

The Dr. Suess of my muse and self abuse

The friendship that I hope I never lose

Thanks for you, thank you for giving me

Something much better in life to choose

Someone I can feel even though I cannot see

Stage

Turn the page

On the digital age

The play dripping upon this stage

I am the audience

I act upon my rage

Why haven't you kissed me yet?

Feel a smile thats long been sleeping

Creeping across the face Ive been imagining

Hands find flesh thats long been waiting

Embracing you like Ive long been dreaming

No need for words theyve all be said

Emotions tear up in the corner of my eye

Feelings brewing that have long since been dead

Stepping back to take you in

From head to toe my eyes are first to sin

All the moments that led up to this

And I have to wonder if it would be

Too much too soon to ask for a kiss

I shuffle my feet and look down at the ground

But soon remember when I hear your voice

That familiar sound

That you and I already know

The ins and outs of what most never show

And in a whisper of a single breath

I ask you

Why havent you kissed me yet?

Nothing

Its the nothing things

The things that you do

That I never thought of

Watching you read a book

Now is enough to love

The way you chew your tongue

wrinkle your nose

or push back your hair in the wind

makes me curl my toes

These things are what I missed

when you were away

These things I have kissed

again

in the nothing that I say

Let me tell you nothing

but the smile upon my lips

Im sitting here

Drinking my cappuccino

With tiny little sips

You ask me what Im thinking

Its something too hard to explain

I say nothing.

Knowing nothing will

A shadow of my doubt

In my perfect reality

It would be as simple as me taking my life in a

backpack

and jumping a plane to happiness

I know I feel it every time I see wings in the sky

wanting them to fly me to bliss

Wanting to be that someone strapped in the blue air

Going nowhere is better than being stuck in my here

This is the only thing I have known

this and this and just always this

Traveling

To be a simple picture of perfection in my own minds

exclusive art gallery

Id wish to be your every thing that you cant seem to

find the key to see

Running off of airplanes onto the landing strip of me

Chasing blindly after dreams I so desperately want to

be

I want a love like a child, pure and sweet

Innocence and imagery

I lust a lust like a hearts angry beat

Hunger and the body in slavery

To blink my eyes in wishes of a reality that is the

darkness of shadows

You are the shadows that keep following me, haunting

me, wanting me

The images I cant see because I keep stepping on you

for you are never in front of me

Looking for something to ease the pain thats my

constant melting rain

Something that I cant grasp

Something that is my future so far removed

From the ugliness of my past

To have answers to the lurking mysteries like the

stalking strangers

Always finding me behind weeping trees

Id be stronger without you if it meant I could have

you

Id be someone worth wanting

Someone with something intelligent to say

Id be anything just to touch the nothing I can see

In my eyelids of you

Life is too complex for those as deep as I

Id give my last dime to just see the world eye to eye

But Im always lost in rooms with too few doors

I think Im spiraling out the windows glass

I cant take the confusion anymore

I cant get past the wanting to find my rewind

Rerecord the thoughts I have today

So somehow yesterday I just might find

The reason for my wanting shadows

To become something I can touch

Something I can taste

Not just something I have craved

I want to be your something worth touching

Worth believing in

Your only dream

I want to be the shadow

Something that is the definition of all the words

I want to become all they mean

Can you love someone for what the soul writes down?

In moments of who they are can you be found?

I just know that sometimes when I feel alone

I pray that the sun come back out soon

So your shadow is back on my ground

The delete key ran away with the spoon

Ill always be here for you

This shall never expire

Our friendship is true blue

My shoulder will never retire

Please dont forward me

To the masses like broken promises

Or erase me even accidentally

Then blame it on I love you viruses

You are pureness by example

My heart and soul password free

For I know you would never trample

The inner peace you see in me

I know with you in my life

Every happy poem can be completed

You can always exist with me

For you will never be deleted

The Brothers Karamazov fled from the shelf while pleasured alone with you by myself

A mere quote
Brought you to mind
It must have been
The breath of your words
Whispering on my thighs
Though I dont have a voice
Youre repeating in mime
Its more a feeling
Traveled and well worn
With time

The coincidence
Of your suggestion
Being the book
That is gone from
Library like rejection
Then quoted back to me
Its a blatant
Mind fuck full of
Sinful female
Genitalia erection

The notion that I
Could touch your flesh
By touching anothers
Known by me best
Would this disturbance be
Felt by you in unison
While others will ignore
My pleasurable sin

The classic thing to do
When faced with this ploy
Is to fight the desire
To gratify or implore
But my mind forces me
To crevices of shame
The public restroom
Where to be chastised
With empowerment
Of mental plus physics
Of enjoyment like pain

Where skirts are pulled up
And fingers dug deep
Where no man can see me
But my moans are for keep

My brother used to ask the birds to forgive him; that sounds senseless but it is right: for all is like the ocean, all things flow and touch each other; a disturbance in one place is felt at the other end of the world..."

Fyodor Dostoyevski
The Brothers Karamazov

Fine Line

Too Late

I recall all the things that came before
The events that I couldnt understand
Now come back to me
With clarity
A vision of what I used to know
Mixes with the knowledge I have gained
To complete the answers to my questioning
Now I see what I couldnt weather
Why denial kept me hidden
Now I understand it much better
But answers dont dull my pain
And so in searching I wonder
Is there really anything left but rain
I wonder if you felt this way
Back when I was lost in myself
I know you must have carried this grief
Rambling on and on
As though the sound of my voice
Will kill the silence
The lights go out and it comes back again
I stare at ceilings with words dancing
And wonder why did I think that was so great
To remember something a stranger said
And now in the silence
I only want to hear you speak
And I wonder do I want it too late?

Execute Opportunity

Opportunity comes knocking
At my battered door
I want to find you and tell you
But you dont want to hear from
Me much, if not anymore
I ponder without your opinion
What do I really want?
Im the one making my decisions
Its not a group effort
Its just me thats what
And I hear the doorbell ringing
And again I hear it more
Someone thinks I have talent
And they want to add me
To their team
They think I can add
Needed points to their score
He starts his offer out
With compliments
Of what he knows I can do
He says I have seen the
Highest reach for perfection
I saw it working with you
So make sure you talk with me
About my offered opportunity
To give you something
To work with and something
New to do
And now
I know I will return the call
And its in the back of my mind
Since I became independent
Its amazing what I now find
A knock upon my door
And I didnt turn away
Saying I couldnt do that
Because I simply
never did it before
So what now shall I say?
Executiveme?
Well why not?
Yes ME thats ME
If he sees that Me in Me
Then I shall strive to also see
And this decided opportunity
With or without you
I will handle perfectly

Chris

Ill never write you another rhyme
that just occurred to me
and its sadder
this time

Box Im in

Loves shuffled to the bottom of the deck

Id wager all my life on you

But one Uno card is

All I could ever find

It reads clearly blue

Pick 4 and I fall behind

Youre holding

The last hand

In perfect line

I think Im the old maid

No matter the card

I just cant understand

While I wait to win

My hair is turning gray

The lace is crawling

Up my tired chin

I watch my future fade

I got advice one day

Go fish

Thats all they say

Many in the pond

Its not the way you

Swim I think its

The happy card you

Can drift upon

The Joker hiding

An ace that can erase

This Solitaire soul I run from

But tell me why

it can win every single race

I would play

Blackjack in fact

But I fear Id lose so tight

Youd never want me back

Perhaps a change to gin

And rummy with a him

And slurred we shall play

Strip poker

Perhaps with some sin?

Hit

me

again

again

I need something more

For the perfect hand

Oh hell

Its a waste staring

At my game face

My life is

Always a royal flush

Despite my full house

Collected with care

My deuces always

Come in pairs

I dont dare try my

Canasta deck for it is

The heart that wins

The final kiss

So in silence that is

Something I will dismiss

Id rather shake

The magic ball 8 times

Than try to get

With a weak stick

My one shot at you

in corner pocket walls

to win that way is

nothing short of a trick

like a poem without rhymes

Theres not a good

Game I havent met

That didnt gain

Ground from where my

Enemy line was set

I think that I am

Doomed to

Ouija boards

That I can control

Ill push my self

Into my own destiny

I will make it read

What I want to believe

I know the letters

To spell love and victory

Are all I really need

Afterall

Caressing my me
not the thinness
of flesh
deeper and stronger
somewhere off in the distance
where tears create
waterfalls that slide over
rocks with sharp edges
smoothing them

my feet walk over fears
slickness with beauties deftness
because my panic
is calmed by
a shadows hand in my dreams

the mornings sun shines
right through dirty windows
creating mosaic pictures on my wall
my eyes open into a new day
and I crawl from my loneliness
reaching for you inside my reality
perhaps you are there after all

Love is the soul in simplicity

I just heard something
that changes everything,
musical notes cling with their clatter.
Everything that I thought I knew
now somehow wait
How can it ever matter?
Its the ugliness of your words.
Ethically I cant climb beyond
the shrillness of the blaring
of what I have just heard
in your shallow song.
I thought it was all about
you being you, you know..
The you that I saw in my mind.
The things about you that I
thought Id never ever find
They are still there in the
Shrill of the musics missed beats
now clinging to my air
Pounding my soul with fired heat
And Im seeing you for who
You have decided to be
I lost that you somewhere
In the midst of what
Matters most to me
Im listening to my own voice
Because its so clear
In my own ear
That it can be my only choice
Its not supposed to depend
Upon what your eyes see
Loves meant to be dependant
On the soul in simplicity

Inner view

Im ushered in
Then out
And Im wondering
What was that
all about?

I was there
Long enough
To lose a hair
On the carpet
Of the interviewer

Perhaps in a week
Or maybe two
Hell pull it out
Of his mouth
And think of me
And what I can do

Then hell call me up
And say
Its time
That you were here
For me
To make mine

Sign the contract
And then
Ill be ushered in
Hell torture me
With paychecks
Missing zeros
I'll bitch 'n quit
And hurry out

I Shall Not Kill (12 a.m. insanity)

DAMN that squeaking hamster wheel
Is something Im going to have to steal
Its sounding just like a dentists drill
Giving me a headache for which there is no pill
Id much rather hear that rodents tiny squeal
As its body is smashed under my cars wheel
But if I did that my sons heart would never heal
Hed be trying to get revenge...but EVEN STILL !!!
Im only human and I dont have nerves of steal
Im trying hard to stay calm and keep the chill
I close my eyes as I image fur on my boots heel
One thought of my sons sad face and how Id feel
Is enough to cause pause and allow me to kneel
Please God please bring silenceor I WILL!

WD40 anyone???

Life

My souls dark mate

you are simply amazing
its quite simple i think
its not the look in your eyes
no it surely cant be
and its not the alcohol in my drink
its just what i know to be

i remember the first time
i heard of your name
i remember its impact
its remained so much the same

its amazing how
our friendship has grown
not like storm winds
those go by mostly unknown
but like a whisper
on the fairest lips
it came on its own time
melting me
sweet like chocolate chips

in my mind i am
thinking of you
kissing and caressing you
with soothing kindness
all of the time
i always find
that you are
the breath for my mind

sappy and sincere
sometimes go hand in hand
in my dreams i am with you
matching your footprints
beside mine in my drifting sand

its not that i love you
like romantics do
i love you like the petals
of daisies adore their stem
the way seahorses love
the seas that safely surround them

i love you like you love the sky
when its carrying its pinkest hue
you see it for its beauty pure
and know that life is perfect
in that moment you know it for sure

i wish for life to bring you happiness
with good mornings all around
new photographs for albums
new memories for smiles to be found
you are my soul mate my friend
despite all the miles in my dreams

Thief of Words

Carefully watch all of your speech
dont say much of anything
that can be compelling
or like the bluest oceans
be thought of as deep

Flying words on banners
cascading by from planes
vowels of the constellations
up in the sky
are far from safe

The thoughts we utter
from mouths painted lips
with little thought for
the tiny thoughts
that might become
just the icebergs tip
For a writer on the look out
is a victim hanging onto
his life vest waiting for a ship

Be wary of who you speak to
they might be easily stealing
with permission from you
the lines you deal out
like cards in lifes game
are someone elses
thoughts for ink gain

You might just read
your own dang blurbs
in a poem
written by the thief of
your free-spoken words

My Day Every Day Today Yesterday

Eyes searing my back
Sizzle away my owner ship
Cant be here
Cant be there
I cant find it anywhere
Im all over the floor
Crawling bawling
My mind takes flight
Out the window
Drowning in the shore
The rain pelts dents
Down in the metal of my
Cortex
Nowhere to run
Running
Nowhere to find
Running
Something must be better
Than the same thing
Night after night
Day after Afternoon
Every way doom
Something new I didnt
Know
Caving in
Paving thin
No
So
Slow
Same
Game
Nothing more

Pretty PeZ can you you love Me?

my pretty head PEZ hinge
swings back
sweet nothings HARD like
sour CANDY
push forth FROM my depths
like YOUR row of lies
tilt my TWISTED cartoon face
sprung the spring
too tight
my LOVE flings itself
out LIKE shots from
a gun at NIGHT
im winning
the DEADLY race
stun
shot
for FUN
my plastic caricature GUN
dead in YOUR face
now you must love me
youre PARALYZED
there you are
with your sweet EYES
rolled white
my SUGARED square icicle
hangs
from your chest
you need ME
more than i need you
overlooking your LIES
im your consolation prize
at the bottom of the cracker jacks
jack you HAD TO come back
B-cuz where would YOU be
without my sweet candy?
yeah you LOVE me
now alls fine and DANDY?

Inkability Inability (thanks to Dark )

Irritability
That I cant achieve
Writing stability
The ideas come
And then before
I can catch them
They leave
Cant tat them on flesh
Or taboo them
Like incest
They slip through
My clogged up mind
Before my favorite pen
Is something I find
My emotions a mess
And then I look around the room
Wondering again why did I enter
And then the idea pesters at me
Like a pus encrusted splinter
And Im back back back
Why did I come in here again?
Déjà vu has nothing on me
Or wait was I thinking of you?
Maybe brand new paper
With that wood smell
Would serve me better
Would break my twitching spell
But wheres that pen
Let me look again
In the first place
What was I just thinking?
I cant casually walk around
With this idea I should have
Tried to race
Scribble scribble
There it is, my thought
Wait its wrong
Erase
Sh..shsh.sh
Gone
I wrote absolutely
Nothing
And it took me this long?

Dysfuntion Unction

I always said I wouldnt become you
The cycle would stop with me
I swore up and down I didnt understand
The wheres and whys of what you were
Or how you became dysfunctional
And now here I am sitting in therapy
Rating my mental state from
One to ten like its a blind date
Discussing the fears and downfalls
Of marital discord and its effects
On the innocent child I love

Mother you come back to me
Just like a repeated bad memory
I remembered it all
The hiding under covers
Shielding out the hate
That was yelling down the hallway
Spilling into my pink lace room
The trembling all alone
The despair of the gloom

And the tears come
Not from the bad memory
But the knowledge that I
Just might be the cause
Of someone elses
Future nightmares
Almost unknowingly

I try to shake the chill
Off my shoulders
And walk down my own hallway
To read the face
of my someone else
To wonder if he is innocence
And I am the cause of its loss

Nonetheless

And your face lessens my blue
I have decided to open up my feelings true
Maybe I am just a fool
But I need to say what I feel for you

Not just words, but followed by the acts
That fills the void with only love in fact
It wasnt just his baby blues I missed
I missed your hug and your kiss

I missed it then even then when I
Laid there still
I wish that then I had had more
Strength of will
I would have reached to hold your hand
I would have found a way to create understand

I can only follow my heart
Despite the advice of those
that werent there from the start
I love you and they dont know all the years
The ups and downs the joys the fears

No one else can know my pain
The things Ive lost in order to find the gain
The anxiety that flows through weakened vein
Moments I lost to the flooding of fears rain

To know then what I know now
But now is the only way I know how
And so I reach out to you with shaking arms
Rejecting the fear of rejection the fear of harm

I loved you then but silence won
And now the words pour forth like
A rainbow finding a home in the crying sun

I love you not just today
I loved you then I just couldnt find the words
To just say what I wanted to say

Can you feel my hand in the darkness?
Just a caress on your hands flesh
Its not enough...but its more that nonetheless

Free

I am changing
Do you see?
Puzzle pieces
Rearranging
Im a better me
I am searching
For what to be
A giant picture
Coming together
To make me free

Etched on my Sky

Its not to seek or gain
A wrinkle in my eye
Would the world be sane
the defiance one Im high
tired of crawling in this
silence is nothing to say
cover me with bliss
not a piece to play
a game of strangers
sucking my weakness
never for rearrangers
I am deep in uniqueness
totally falling to folly
singing misunderstood
grinding all my jolly
underneath the inside
I am all withstood
backwards I dont hide
never behind the mirror
I fear no rejection
I stare it down
more for your interjection
you are the nearer
One cant see
Dark the shades
Your intelligence
In the bright light
Sadly falls inside a fade
Wrinkle tickled eye
You are a sweet silence
Etched on my sky

Lost the Desire

The pen sighs
A mind wrestles itself
Visions of terror
Silent cries
Clouded I disappeared

The ink splattered
My poet soul died
And what once was
Has lost the direction
To steer

Struggle my friend
That lives in veins
The blood of creativity
Treading in pain

Lost my desires
To breath
Life into page
Im full of fright
Lost my mark
on my stage

Blue Light Life

Have you ever wondered how you ended up in the rut called your life? Do you look back over the last few years and imagine having made different decisions? Where might those decisions have led you? Sometimes at night when I watch TV I realize that I dont really watch TV. Sure I look at it. I see the images portrayed by a sad society. I see the meaningless faces, mouths moving, and music playing. An hour where no one pays a bill, fixes a flat tire (unless of course that incident is surrounding a meeting of a new potential romantic encounter), and no one ever goes to the bathroom unless its for the famous scene have a square to spare?

I realized that I was sitting in front of that TV last night to fill up the time between what I had to do and what was yet to come next. Going to sleep for tomorrow would be filled with more of the same from today. The images flashing new and interesting shadows behind my society-drained mind while the TV announcer tells me about the new and improved extra value that Im going to seek tomorrow at K-mart. Surely a blue light special will fulfill my life.

I lay down on my stomach and feel the coldness of the hard floor surround my soul. Pick up my pen that led me here.

Gray Area

Road maps dated 1912
Never help me find tomorrow
I dream of answers
Living in disguise
Im a sail billowing
Aimless
But still
Its all just happening
Hanging on the kite tail
Knuckles bleeding white
I fall through the gray area

One Moment

For one moment...
I want to wade into the pool of your compassion
I want to lose myself within your understanding
I want to shed my tears so we are not alone

Legend (dedicated to No. 3)

checkered flag
draping
over the coffin
of the finish line

legends go before their time

Time my Enemy

Count the days
And flip through the hours
I close my eyes
To sleep away the time
I have found a lot of answers
And ran out of a lot of my mind
All the mazes of how I have arrived
Have twisted and turned
To become how I have now survived

What used to be concrete
Is wobbly with brand new feet
And everything taken for granted
Is something I now must seek to reach
Heartache is the ink smear
That I scrub against the grain
My hands run over my aching scalp
Holding in my urgency to go insane

Eyes look through me with silence
everywhere I walk
I am a ghost in the town where everyone
That I used to know forgot how to
Put words into sentences so that they
Could talk

Just cant imagine what youre going through
What would I think or what would I do?
Repeating on and on....

I close my eyes another night in darkness
My own tomb
I pull the covers way up high and hide
Inside my lonely room
The cold air caresses my skin with fingers
Of steel
My last thought being
Is this the feeling of dying?
Should I get back up from bed
and begin to write my will?
and again I lay still just crying

Raft

Today I was wondering
How long have I known you?
If I knew you before I met you
Then how long is always?
I was trying to remember
Exactly when that moment was
That I read something you penned
When was the second the
Connection was stemmed
I was just asking
And there was no reply
Then I realized that
The beginning doesnt matter
Its the fact that it happened
That holds importance in my eye
Its easy to recall
The petals, how they breath
Much nicer to realize
That through hailstorms
Friendship doesnt always leave
So maybe it was that
Poem about swans that sang true
Perhaps it was the praise
Always sent by you
The moment it happened
It was over in a blink
More important than
The beginning
Is the knowing
You have become
The little raft
That wont let me sink

Sad valentine

theres gold and silver
candy galore
but i have
nothing
a fistful of gore
no one loves me
anymore

stems without two lips
weak on my soul
its raining on my life
hiding from thunder
drowning in
the empty pool

candy crème hardened
card with no verse
dreams with no wings
today is nothing more than
a wish stuck in reverse

I miss you

You brushed
My heart
With happiness

Once you were
the art in my soul

I used to know your smile
Even in the dark

Lightening arrived
And I swear I didnt
See your eyes depart

Storm winds
Harsh and cold
The unknown encounters
Washed you away

The morning mist
Kissed my face
And your name
Fell on my lips

I am
A canoe without paddles
Drifting aimless on
The seas mist
amiss

Its my nature to love you

The sun graces your face
In my mind
The shadows erased
And your chiseled smile
Is now defined

And I wonder if I
Could make you
Happy just for me
Like the glints of light
That now gently
Caress the calm sea

I wonder if I can
Catch the orb that
Is now smiling down at me
For if the magic happened
And the world stood still
Imagine the calmness
That could come to be

The moon is to the left of me
And the light off to the right
As dark is leaving for the day
To sleep with the stars until night
I sigh to know they are tucked in
The clouds pulled up around their chins
On the other side of the day we just begin

Sometimes I rhyme and then I lose
The brilliance that was once there
I wish I could just tattoo my thoughts
On the strand of hair thats a spare
Id create a bouquet of sweet nothings
And water them with love
Id know just what I want to say
My poems would fit just like a glove

My confusion would be like the moon
That safely tucks itself away
And my sun would shine brighter
Just for you because I love you today
Im just a rambling fool
And not beauty like nature that flows
But I still somehow must write it down
I guess thats just sometimes how it goes

Somewhere in this mystery of words
That dont seem to ebb or flow
I wanted just to let you know
I saw the moon to the left of me
And the sun coming up on the right
And I thought this is just lifes harmony
There are some things like nature
That you just can begin to fight

Daydreaming Awake

Dreaming falling and there I am again
I cant get away from reality even
Though the sleeping pills still
Seem so worth the swallowing

I hear all the noises
surrounding my memory
of all the things I want now
but are now just used to be

And everything I see
In your eyes
Is everything that I once
Glared at you with little sigh
Receiving is not pleasing
And yet I take it on
As a challenge of faith

So soon to give in
The masses yell hoorah!
Enough is enough
One event being all they saw

I know better
I know the voice of vow
Defeat is not in my vocabulary
And against the wicked I will
Never bend or bow

Its not the time frame
I would choose
And though my mind is not sane
I still have much up there to lose

So bring me a lemon
And Ill cut me a flower
Ill suck of the nectar
And gain more willpower
For love is not a game
Nor a token to be spent
I know it will fly back
Inside the window that
Sadly got bent

Diamonds are just memories

The silence has returned
To my moments of drama
A newfound strength
In my long tormented karma
New relief is now served
From my silver spoon
Unbuttoned the old closure
To find a golden lined moon
The love I believe in
Has made life prints on my hand
I tried before and failed
It was akin to escaping sand
Blind faith now flows in each vein
Closing my eyelids I can believe
There is an emotion not fueled by pain
Sleeping on pink skies only I can retrieve
My love for you is engraved in the sky for years
Ill drift forever on this juxtaposition
Where diamonds are just memories of my tears

Memory

(dedicated to Dark Soul )

Memory remember me
Take me with you
When Im someone you
Can no longer see
Memory always free
For anyone to touch
You can forever be

Peace inside out
Will ease
Even the worst
Nagging doubt

Lay a daisy
In your heart
To mark with love
The ache
That will never part
Cherish it
As though its gold
For your memory
Sad memory
Is all
You have left of him
To hold

Wilson

Im going to buy that volleyball
Yeah thats what Im going to do
A Wilson of my very own
Someone to talk to instead of you

I could paint him a pretty picture
Using the blood of my soul
Ill tell him all my problems
Hell make me completely whole

I know he wont say much
And that is still quite okay
I will just imagine that he
Is someone intelligent that way

Ill give him the perfect hairdo
And hell be my forever friend
He wont do what you do
Hell be there for me past the end

It wont matter if he loses air
Or has a hole in his head
Ill pretend that you are there
When you run away instead

Ill chatter to him all night long
About the hurt I feel inside
I know that he will make me strong
He wont run away and hide

Wilson will be my salvation
When I have nowhere to go
Ill tell him all my deepest thoughts
The ones you dont care to know

Ill paint him a friendly smile
That no torrential rains can flood
Ill use permanent magic marker
Cause Im now fresh out of blood

I suppose its all a fallacy
To think I need someone
But fact is in reality
Wilson can be anyone

So now I lay me down to sleep
And as I clutch a volleyball
Now I will be able to freely weep
When you dont hear me at all

Voices

Discover this crying girl
Ponder marriage journey
Standing empathy
Mind meditate at therapy
Healing behavior
Cry from
Watching a smile
Sad love experience
Finding her philosophy
Where soul is for balance
I am apathy
Like cold voices pain

Perception

If I stopped breathing
Who would hear?
If I stopped living
Who would care?
If I stopped walking
Talking
Dreaming
Being
Who would be there?

A police siren
Would sound my death
The coroner
Might be the last one to see
What my heartache did to me

If I stopped hurting
I could share
If I stopped crying
I could care
If I stopped talking
I would hear

A police siren
Would be nothing but annoyance
The coroner
Might be the best character
In the next blockbuster movie
And you might buy me popcorn
If I went with you

Hope

Angry helpless me
Finds nothing inside of you
To soothe my fever

My hot skin beneath
Finds only cold heart within
Can we find a warm?

Only I can see
What was once and used to be
Can you come to me?

I wait patiently
Because I love you so true
A quiet has me

I am the silence
Listening to your breathing
In this I find peace

If you turn to me
I will hold you close to me
Then we can be free

Exit

Am I running
or chasing?
Im losing
And I cant look at
all the things
I am now facing.

Can I make this car
go faster?
Id crawl into
the cold engine
replacing fuel with my blood.

I have to jump
this damn median strip
thats holding me back.

And Im so close
to escape.
If I could just take
my mind and turn it off.

And Im nothing
and no one
and I wont be missed.
Ive been wore down
to just this.

And Im so close to
the end.
And yet right there
On the road block
are the words
Because youre in love
This roads exit is closed

It

Take it
Theres nothing left of me
So take everything that
You think you might still see
Im nothing without eternity
Promises of something
Mean more to me
Take it
And keep it
And pretend it was free
Lie to yourself about how
It came to be
Never mind that you
Held me down
and robbed away me
Take it
Dont leave me with
Anything I need
There is nothing left
And so now I cant bleed
Take it
I scream loudly
Take it
I dont need it anymore
I yell defiantly

Riding Love Alone

Im up
Then down
And Im stuck
Riding a dead horse merry go round

Where did you go?
Why?
What are you doing now?
And how do I find a way
To let my soul still fly?

Can I hang on
Until the pretty music starts?
Can I be stronger than the
Superglue holding my heart?

I know I love you
I know it every time I ache
I know I want you
But I need superwomans cape

Im at that level
Where you once were
Waiting for you to come back to me
And Im still looking out
The crying corner of my eye
Around in circles that are
Painting themselves into the sky

Im wondering how I can hang on
To where Ive now climbed
Looking behind myself
Wanting your love to be what I find

Stroke my Intelligence Unique

Everyone is a no one that you thought you just met.
Consider no one is just really not like anyone else yet.
Have you ever noticed how few are of verbal interest?
They can stroke your intelligence in brief at best.
Most of mankind doesnt know much about anything.
But will tell you everything about every something.
You meet with most people and not within conversation.
I can bet that you have also felt this same frustration.
Youre simply waiting patiently for your turn to speak.
Id say you are guilty but youd claim you are unique.

Just Because

There are times
When I wish
I ache
I beg
I want
Just because
You said something
I never thought would be said
You wrote something
That dances through my head
And I wish
I ache
I beg
And I want
Just because

Lost Friendship

You were my reason
To find myself
In shadows of doubt
In all the disappointments
I never thought about
I rambled on with no clear path
Amongst branches chopped and
All mismatched

I never learned of hate from you
In tragic moments blown with hue
Solitude would be a welcome friend
In mass confusion I am a never end

And though that moment came to fast
The one I told you about in that not so
Distant echoing past
Everyone goes
One reason or another
Its part of a pattern that comes
Now from you like every other

I shall not weep the day away
Because of ill chosen words
I now wish I never had to say
I am just human with a heart

I have my own glassy path I must travel
Knowing you I must now heal all that
I willingly left to unravel

My feet bleed from miles before
A heart that grips to nothing
Would rather feel the painful sores

In every action there is a price
I am paying dearly with every knife slice
So if you think you matter not
And that I hate you well guess what
Im drowning in my punishment of hell
And seething with the knowledge
That I knew it would be this way
And I knew it well

For every hour I heard your pain
I painted my own acid eating rain
I knew it would come to me
To leave my eye sockets little left to see
I am no one anymore
I traveled your pain
You dont need me
You already shared your gore

Guts that glorified a sin
Why did you ever call me to begin?
I wanted something that I found
I begged and wallowed in silence
That left me digging for treasure inside
A long forgotten burial ground

Though your words kill my breathing soul
Bleed from you ripping apart
I glue myself back into the center
I will remain
Despite this
I will remain whole
My soul pure for all who enter

As you go forth into your life
I am but a ripple in the path
Its not what I lost that bothers me
Its what I could have had

Imagine your sword ripping flesh
Defense comes first with little less
Hug a hello a how are you
Imagine the reply that would come back to you

I am not perfection my lost friend
All I can do is learn and try for amend
You should know that I would go on
Despite what you might not see now
I remember everything you said once upon

Found

I smell pancakes
Blueberry sweet
My eyes sneak
Into morning sunshine
Just a little peek

There you are dancing naked
Making breakfast with
Smiley faces

Morning babe
Curls up inside the
Caffeine steam
Your smile touches me
Like long forgotten dreams

I remember this
Is how we used to be
My face warms with
The pleasant memory

I kiss you barely
And the light inside of your soul
Mixes with the sweetness
of the syrup on our lost lips
that can no longer find the right words